You pride yourself on being realistic, you pride yourself on seeing things for the way they are, not through rose-tinted glasses like everyone else. The others call you a cynic, and you scoff at them and secretly think they’re ignorant idiots. Ignorance is bliss, right? You think if they knew half of what you knew, they’d think just like you, feel just like you.
Yet you smile and say things that you think they want to hear, you always feel like you have to dumb it down just a little so that they can entertain your thoughts and maybe, just maybe, accept your thoughts. It never occurred to you that the person talking to you might actually be doing the same thing, dumbing down their thoughts into an idea that you would be able to comprehend. But both of you are actors, and both of you are good at what you do. You reject other people based on what they looked like on the outside, not even considering even for just one second, that the guy who looked so self assured and happy outside might actually have more in common with you than you think.
Why do you scoff at them? You can deny it as much as you want, but only God knows that more than anything else, you desire to be just like them, to be content just like them. The sun shines on your back just like everyone else. When you look up to the skies, you squint your eyes from the sun just like everyone else. It’s the same blue sky.
You think you need to be saved. No one is going to save you. There isn’t a knight in shining armor, that evil witch who’s trapping you in your castle is your pride. Stop thinking people won’t understand. Salvation is within you. I know that you rarely ask for help, you think you’ve lived with this feeling for your whole life; what’s another couple years? But no man is an island. No one was born to live alone. Stop shutting people out from your life. Stop trying to get the people who have been shutting you out to care. They will never do. Stop rejecting an advice even before trying it out. You are not smarter than everyone else. You say you’ve forgiven those who’ve wronged you but do you really mean it? Do you harbor hate when you think of those who’ve wronged you?
You refuse to get help on the account of looking weak. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, a sign of initiative. Where others have failed to do so, you’ve showed a passion for living, a desperate attempt to change your situation. While others have surrendered to their current situation and make no room for improvement, you strive to improve it. You think you don’t need someone to judge you by their opinions, you don’t need a piece of paper to tell you what you are. You think the person who is judging you is being condescending. You think she assumes she’s smarter than you because you’re too young to matter. You think if you were 40 and said the things you said now, people would perceive you as wise. Right now you’re just a radical teenager. Stop feeding your ego with all these thoughts. No one is complimenting you with such thoughts. Truth is, you and I, we are just two people in a sea of billions. We are minute. I doubt if people cared that much over our thoughts.
It frustrates you that people might misconstrue your thoughts. You hate the idea of being misunderstood. You talk about not caring what people think of you. You talk about how different you are from everyone else. How do you know? You dismiss people even before getting to know them. Did you ever considered the possibility that the person in your everyday life, the one who seemed so simple and uncomplicated, the one you knew since childhood, might know a thing or two about how you’re feeling at the moment? But how would you know? As I said before, we are all chameleons, we change according to the crowd we’re with. A person who declares herself to be true self all the time is a liar. What you see is a façade. You see the smiles, the laughter, the norm. What goes on in the mind or in a locked space, only God sees.
There will be those who spread the lies because it makes them feel better to see others in suffering. Those who ask a lot because they like seeing you have difficulty answering the questions. Those who joke about it because they think it’ll never happen to them. Those who say you never solved anything, you just ran away. These are the ones you should shut out. These are the thoughts you should reject. Not of those willing to help. You never ran away. You faced the bull head on and close your eyes waiting for the consequences.
I wish I could your hold your hand, but I’m afraid you’ll twist mine. We’re not that different, you and I. You think that’s impossible, you pride yourself on being different. I, on the other hand, never entertained the thought that I am alone in my thoughts, although at the moment I feel very much alone. And I know how the world punishes you for being different. When all the other girls were made from sugar and spice and everything nice, I always felt like I was made from vinegar and ice, and everything they despised. Cold and sour. Because that’s what the reality is. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, the truth can be bitter. And I plan on telling it like how it is.
I want to tell you that there’s much to say about dreams and hope. Please don’t dismiss the idea of finding your own state of contentment or happiness. It’s not overrated. Please don’t dismiss God. While happiness might be something as trivial as having fame to others, it doesn’t have to be the same for you. I know you feel as if you’d never be happy again, like the Dementors have sucked all the happiness out of you. Lame attempt at a joke and poor comparison, I know. You experience the fear, the anxiety, the feelings of helplessness, the paranoia. I’m sorry I can’t be more eloquent but I know what isolation does to you. You feel alone even when you’re surrounded by a crowd of friends.
I want to tell you that I know how it feels being trapped, even if it’s only in your mind. I know how it feels to be trapped in a prison, alone with your thoughts. A prison where you’re afraid of being alone, but have no courage to go outside and face the others. The feeling that you don’t have a choice, or maybe just the ones you would want choose. It’s just that maybe you enjoy being alone, you enjoy misery.
There’s a place we can go to if you can wean yourself from your sadness, a place where you can start over. A place you’ve never been before; where people accept you without questions and don’t bring up your past. A place where we take time off from the real world, from the world that moves too fast for us. A place where all the bad things that have happened to you are but a distant past. A place where the sun doesn’t burn but shine, a place where the water is pure, a place where the ground has never been trodden. A place just for people like us. A place to heal until when you’re ready to face the world again. And when that happens, you’ll realize,
Now I am truly free.