Thursday, December 18, 2014

Relationshits and the Thrill of the Chase


Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It's not about me or my views about love and relationships, but it does contain some personal experiences here and there.


You know what's sad? I haven't been single for more than 4 months since I was fifteen years old. Fifteen years later, I'm still jumping from one relationship to another, searching for something yang aku tak sure exist ke tak. Do you know the term 'chasing the dragon'? The metaphorical meaning of that phrase is kau tengah cari a type of high yang kau sendiri pun tak sure exist ke tak, from a particular drug. Silly, isn't it? I keep telling myself, "Jangan mengejar naga, kerana naga tu tak wujud".


Love is that drug, my friend. Cinta adalah sumber infatuasiku yang elusif.


But I can't help it. I'm addicted to love and the feeling it gives me. I am in love with love, and the high it gives me. Sometimes the person who I'm love with takes the backseat, because I'm too busy chasing the thrill that love provides me. 


The thrill of the chase. The beginning where everything is exciting. The mind games, the sexual tension. The point where I'm not sure you love me or not. Maybe I'm a masochist, I enjoy the torture. I enjoy waiting for every phone call, every reply, every smile. And I enjoy hoping even if they never came.


The thrill of the chase. Where we play mind games to appear more attractive to each other. You'll act like an asshole because you hear that's what girls like. I'll enjoy it because not so secretly, I'm a masochist. Kita kontrol je all the time. Kontrol macho, kontrol cool. Pretending we're not head over heels with each other walaupun dah gila bayang. We're always trying really hard to appear interesting to the other person, and it's emotionally draining, but we do it anyway. We're never ourselves.


And then you'll love me. We'll have the best few months, maybe even a year if you're interesting. I say this because I'm an obnoxious ass who thinks it's the responsibility of the people in my life to constantly entertain me. They're always the boring one, never me.


Then one day I'll wake up and I'll realize I hate the way you type. I hate the way you laugh in text messages, I hate the way you don't get my jokes and I hate that you love me back. I hate that now you're yourself. I hate that now we're together, I discover you're not an actually an asshole but a really nice, decent person. I hate that you're boring because you feel comfortable enough to be yourself and don't try to impress me anymore. The thrill of the chase is gone. 


Then I meet someone else who was like you when we first met, and I find it again. Everything about this person is new and exciting. But I stay in our relationshit anyway for a while because of the guilt. The list of things you do to annoy me grows longer and longer. This new person makes you seem so bland and unexciting in comparison. I suddenly realize of all the ways you could not fulfill me. This makes me want the other person more.


Then I leave you, and start the thrill of the chase all over again. I can't help it. I don't know how to be alone, I say.



Author's note: Sometimes you need to take a step back and question yourself what or who it is that you're in love with. And it never pays to not be yourself at the beginning of a relationship.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Zaman Kanak-kanak yang Dijahit dari Mimpi-mimpi


Bila kau hidup dalam zaman social media ni, kadang-kadang kau boleh rasa macam ada 'invisible competition' where ramai yang berlumba nak sajikan facade tentang hidup siapa yang paling perfect. As a result, orang yang berlumba tadi, termasuk sesetengah orang lain yang nampak pun, depressed sebab tak dapat attain standards yang mereka sendiri set melalui social media mereka. Kadang-kadang aku wonder if orang zaman dulu pun dibelenggu perkara ni. Beza kita dengan mereka, dulu kau balik rumah, kau tak pikir pasal hidup orang lain sangat. Mungkinlah. Sekarang, kita balik rumah, kita go on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook untuk tengok hidup orang, pendapat orang. So we're constantly feeling like we're being judged or that we have to do something, have some 'thing' or be somebody.

Mungkin sebab benda macam ni, aku terbaca artikel minggu lepas tentang keluhan seorang ibu tentang benda-benda yang dia tak dapat bagi anak-anak dia yang membuatkan dia rasa bersalah. Naluri ibu bapa, kau mesti nak bagi segalanya yang terbaik bagi anak-anak kau. Kalau tak mampu pun, you will work hard to make it work. Antara perkara-perkara yang dia kata dia tak mampu bagi tu adalah bawak anak dia pergi Disneyland dan buatkan anak dia birthday party Pinterest.

To be honest, aku pun tak sure kenapa dua perkara tu ada dalam list dia. It could be social media. Parents lain upload kat Facebook party Pinterest, dia pun rasa sedih tak dapat buat. Takpun tengok relatives pergi Disneyland atau ingat Disneyland idaman semua kanak-kanak.

Jadi aku kenang balik zaman kanak-kanak aku and cuba ingat balik what I enjoyed most. And I hope this comforts some parents, because my best memories aren't the most expensive or most picture-perfect ones.

Aku paling happy bila dapat balik kampung mak aku. Dapat lepak kat bendang bawah pokok kelapa. Kadang-kadang nampak ular sawa lalu kat sawah. Usually jumpa kulit ular je. Pernah sekali tengah lepak dengan kawan-kawan, abang aku gaduh dengan kawan dia pastu dia baling kelapa kat kawan dia. Kena kat kepala sorang budak perempuan ni, berdarah teruk.

Main tangkap berudu dalam plastik clear dalam parit depan rumah nenek aku sebab ingat berudu tu ikan bilis. Pastu dengan bangganya pergi tunjuk hasil tangkapan aku kat mak aku and suruh dia gorengkan. Nasib tak kena lempang.

Mandi dalam parit dengan kawan-kawan, biarpun kena marah everytime aku buat macamtu. Masa aku 10 tahun, aku perasan konon Baywatch ah mandi dalam parit. Padahal tu parit bahan kumbahan penuh taik. Nasib tak kena penyakit kulit ke apa.

6-7 hour drive balik kampung dengan adik-beradik yang asyik carsick and nak muntah. Lagi dia nak muntah, lagi kena ejek. My favourite part is bila kami bising bila nampak gerai jual dadih tepi jalan and suruh bapak aku stop and belikan dadih. And when bapak aku actually stop.

Pergi sembahyang terawih dengan kawan-kawan pastu stop lepas rakaat kedua atau keempat tu. Pastu layan magazine Teen Beat, Smash Hits atau Galaxy kat belakang. Jamah moreh sebelum orang lain habis terawih. Dulu masjid tu selalu hidang teh biasa dengan teh halia (masa tu, aku benci gila teh halia). Pernah sekali aku buat dajal, aku campur semua teh biasa dengan teh halia.

Makan cokodok atau cucur udang/ ikan bilis mak aku pagi-pagi.

Tangkap belalang and bela. Simpan dalam bekas bawang yang ada lubang-lubang tu. Bagi dia makan daun-daun. They usually last 2 weeks. Aku taktau sebab memang itu jangka hayat dia atau aku pembela belalang yang bangang.


(Pic courtesy of Google) Ni lah bekas bawang yang aku selalu bela belalang dalam. Aku takup lagi satu bekas atas ni untuk trap belalang tu. Memang bekas bawang aku pun warna green pun, nak bagi matching dengan belalang aku.


Tangkap anak katak kat padang depan rumah lepas hujan. They're so cute.

Kumpul setem. Benda ni je aku boleh berlagak kat sekolah. Bapak aku selalu dapat surat dari overseas pastu bagi aku setem. Dia pun suka aku ada hobi yang free (kecuali album setem tu dia kena belikan lah).

My first crush.

First time naik basikal. First time accident naik basikal sebab langgar van. Van yang parked. 

Kali pertama aku nampak any new animal. Ladybird ke, pepatung ke, kunang-kunang ke.

That time bapak aku ambil cuti belajar ke US dan dia tak dapat elaun keluarga (I was 11). Kami dok setinggan yang kalau aku tumbuk wall dia, pecah. Kenangan terindah sebab we were poor and kena dumpster diving but it was an adventure everytime. Katil aku dan sofa kami dapat daripada tong sampah. Every week pergi garage sale, beli barang and pakaian second hand $1.

Kali pertama aku nampak Hot Wheels Color Shifters tukar warna. Kereta tu bapak aku beli dari garage sale. Dia dapat tukar-tukar warna ikut suhu. Sebenarnya masuk air pun boleh tukar warna, tapi lambat. Kami masukkan dalam peti sejuk je. Bila abang aku keluarkan dari fridge, dah colour lain. Wow.

Pakcik-pakcik aku kat kampung yang ajar aku manners and how to play Gameboy. Orang kampung asyik kecoh depa asyik keluar masuk pusat serenti sebab amek dadah. As a kid, I felt like they were like any other human being. But more special, because they were kind. Pastu diorang selalu mainkan lagu Isabella untuk aku dengan gitar.

Any games yang aku main masa kecik dengan abang aku. Yes, even permainan 'babi hutan'. Sometimes just watching abang aku main Tamiya, Street Fighter, Golden Axe or Mario Brothers. 

Playing Diablo curi-curi at 13. Bila abang aku pergi sekolah (kami lain sesi), aku main CD dia. Of course bila bapak aku jumpa, dia patahkan CD tu sebab dia kata Diablo tu setan. It really did mean that, and someone pointed out I should have replied "That's why we have to kill him, Daddy!" (Oh well, a decade too late...) Puasnya aku kalau main game yang ada dwarfs atau orang kenit yang kau kena tendang bontot dia untuk dapatkan magic potions biru atau hijau.

First time aku dengar any new album or song that I end up liking. Selalu aku curi-curi dengar kaset abang and kakak aku masa diorang pergi sekolah. Buat mixtape dari lagu-lagu kat Hitz FM and falling asleep listening to it.

Watching Ace Ventura and Lion King with the family.

The cats I used to bela. Masa kecik, parents aku tak bagi bela kucing. Jadi aku selalu adopt stray pastu bela dalam bilik atau feed kucing-kucing tu so dia selalu datang rumah. I think by the time I was 19, aku dah probably pernah bela 30 cats. Masa kecik, selalu kena release balik lepas kantoi bela dalam bilik. But when I hit 17, aku ada bela some cats for a few years.

Bila bai roti datang belakang rumah pastu kami semua nak order Apollo lah, kek Hiro lah, muffin 20 sen lah, Tora dan Ding Dang lah. Dapat permainan free dalam Ding Dang pastu memasing berlakon macam tengah dalam iklan dia. Kodi sungguh!

Actually I better stop before this turns into a list about things I'm nostalgic about in the 90s.

Yes, my childhood was woven out of dreams. Some nightmares, some beautiful. They didn't cost much, but they were mine. All mine.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Wrong Prayer


Dah lama aku tak marah kat seseorang sebenarnya. I mean, aku selalu didatangi rasa menyampah. Dan mungkin aku benci sesetengah benda in general. Tapi, I can't remember bila kali terakhir aku fokus segala tenaga aku untuk membenci seorang individu. Just one.

But last night, I did just that. Someone made me angry, and it wasn't the first time. At that moment, I'm reminded of all the hurtful things that person has done to me in the past, and I was just consumed with hate. Terlalu consumed sampai aku tak dapat tidur sampai lepas Subuh. Dalam kemarahan tu, aku menangis, bukan sebab sedih, tapi sebab frustrated. Aku nangis sampai aku sesak nafas. 

Seeing this, my husband tried to console me and various ways. Dia tak berjaya, until:

Dia: Some day awak kena belajar supaya apa dia buat tak affect awak dah.

Aku: I'm not like you. Saya tak boleh just lupa the hurtful things and words people do and say. They just continue to build up over time. 

*Incomprehensibly, in between sobs, aku sambung membebel pasal bagaimana benda-benda yang menyakitkan hati aku merosakkan perspektif aku terhadap dunia dan manusia*

Dia: Kalau awak dianiaya, kan awak boleh doa kat Tuhan? Doa orang dianiayai kan makbul?

Aku: What kinda person would I be then? Doa benda-benda tak elok kat orang? 

(Sebenarnya masa remaja, aku selalu wish benda tak elok kat orang kalau mereka sakitkan hati aku. Dahla aku sadistik dulu, kalau benci gila, aku nak orang suffer, tak cukup mereka mati sahaja, aku nak mereka mati lepas prolonged suffering, macam melalui kanser atau AIDS. Tak pernahlah actively doa for those things, tapi terlintas di fikiran masa marah and wish. Lebih kurang macam tu lah. Until I lost a few loved ones to cancer, and I never wished that upon anyone ever again.)

Dia: You don't pray for bad things to happen to them. You pray that they will change.

In my anger, it had never crossed my mind that I needed to pray for the well-beings of those who had hurt me. That their well-beings would lead to my well-being too.