Friday, May 15, 2015

A Million Ways to Die

It's 4 am, and this is my second entry for today. Quite a feat, considering I wrote less than 10 entries a year for the past 5 years. You can thank or curse the coffee I had at 9.30 pm last night.

Have you ever thought seriously about how you're gonna go? As in die. I gotta admit, I've never really thought about it seriously until I was 25. If you're an old reader of my blog, then you might know why, and what happened in 2010.

I had my usual paranoia and phobias about death. About dying on the road, or in the shower. But never really gave that much thought to it.

Then people started dying. My friends died from cancer, from sudden heart attacks and through road accidents. And they died young, in their early twenties. When it happened, I was devastated and it affected me deeply, but then life goes on, you know? They went, good for them, because really, they were in a lot of pain and I'd be selfish to want them to stay. I mean, sometimes it feels like this world is a shitty place to live in anyway. 

But I still want to live in it. I still want to be a part of this world.

I don't really believe time heals all pain, by the way. I think you just store that pain in a box. You revisit that box sometimes, and when you do, it hurts just as much. I mean, time heals some pain, like pain over break-ups or shit like that. People who are replaceable. But some things, like the death of a family member, or someone really close to you, that pain remains raw. You just don't get over them because they're irreplaceable.

Then I noticed other people dying (wow, great observation there, Magenta). Well, not really friends or people I was close with. Friend of a friend. Friend of a family member. My friends' parents and grandparents. Celebrities I grew up admiring. War casualties. And they all die in various ways.

And I started wondering about what's a good way to go? A sudden death? Terminal illness?

People always say they'd like to die in their sleep. It sounds like a calm, fuss-free death. But would you be okay with dying in your sleep tonight, not knowing that you wouldn't wake up tomorrow? Without saying your goodbyes, your sorries and deleting what needs to be deleted in your computer? Would you be okay dying unprepared?

Or would you like to die after a long, terminal illness? Having had enough time for closure with other human beings. Knowing and accepting that you're surely about to die, having had the time to apologize and say your goodbyes to the people you knew. Having had the time to repent.

How about dying in a gruesome accident? Or being murdered? Imagine all the passersby gawking at your corpse or bits of it, posting it around on social media for others to gawk at it too. Imagine how the newspapers will sensationalize it. 

How would you like to go? Would you like to die of old age? When everyone you've loved has passed on before you, and you're just waiting. Imagine being a 90-year-old widow when your husband has passed on at 50. Would you like to go with your mind intact? Would you prefer to have Alzheimer's? With all your limbs still intact?

It doesn't matter what you want, and unless you commit suicide or opt for euthanasia, you don't get to choose the way you go. 

Death is inevitable, and there are a million ways to die. 


Fauzan Ahmad said...

I have seen, my mom suffered from cancer, bed bound in pain. Mata yang melihat lagi rasa painful.

My dad, lepas mak meninggal, kami baru tahu dia dapat hypertension, diebetic sebab tak ada orang jaga makan dia sebab mak sakit. Kami cuba start medication, dan akhirnya dua dua disease tu undercontrol, buktinya dia layak apply life insurance walau ada diseases tu.

Tapi, walau kami cuba buat macam mana, nak maintain life abah aku, abah aku accident after 2 weeks aku fly ke sini.

Abah aku selalu cakap, "kalau dia nak mati, dia tak nak susahkan orang"

Aku rasa dia mati, tak susahkan sesiapa. Walau dia accident, dia kena impact teruk kat kepala, tak sedar dan meninggal few hours after that.

Kawan aku Ali, dulu masuk matrik course Islamik Reveal Knowledge, decided tukar course Human Science, dan success. Recruited by Prof Jafry, dan buat neuro study. Sambung phd ke Amsterdam.

Kau nampak, satu keputusan dia buat, ubah kerjaya dan laluan hidup dia. Dan takdir dia naik MH17 dan terhempas.

Banyak pilihan kita buat, kita tak tahu pengakhiran hidup kita.

Cumanya, aku harap pilihan dalam hidup aku sekarang, aku tak nak susahkan sesiapa, dan kalau aku nak mati, aku tak nak mati dengan susahkan sesiapa.

Baru ni, ada student Malaysia di Rusia yang flat dia terbakar dan dia mati, bini aku cakap, kalau jadi benda macam tu kat dia, tak payah susah susah nak bawa balik mayat dia. Tanam je di mana dia mati.

Bila aku tengok Derek brain dead dalam Grey's Anatomy, aku tanya bini aku, dia setuju tak Meridith cabut life support, dia kata setuju. Aku pun setuju juga kalau aku brain dead, dan cabut life support. Aku izin harvest organ aku juga.

Aku tak nak susahkan orang.

Alfatihah untuk mak, abah, Ali, dan juga orang yang pergi lebih dahulu dalam hidup aku.

Anonymous said...

i thought of two answers.
one. after my parents. it wouldn't matter how, or where. just after my parents. i just wanted to be with them, here, and there.
two. if before my parents, if that is what is bound to happen, no matter how, give me at least three days. just three more days for me to be with my parents.

Pisey said...

Mak meninggal dunia 2004. That year, I died. Bernafas balik 2008. Sedar-sedar dah ketinggalan banyak benda. Mati ni dekat kan. Anytime boleh putus nafas, yet we sinned repeatedly.

I wish to die by illness. I want to be able to feel pain. Time to repent if I haven't. Spend some more with loved ones, or make loved ones spend some more with me. I want to feel the love once and for all before I die. I want to be able to reminisce all of the beautiful things before I close my eyes, perhaps I'll be scared yet relieved thinking I'll be seeing Mak again.

Tapi sekarang ni, banyak benda nak kejar sampai tak cukup tangan :') I just don't want to die out of a sudden like in a car crash or disasters. That would be sad. There are those who need to know how much I love them. Or this particular one I put close in my heart to make sure I breathe.

Perhaps we just don't want to live and then die with regrets. Or perhaps it is just me. I need a closure.

Fauzan Ahmad said...

Apa kata live a normal life, avoid doing bad deeds, nurture good environment so that we can live among ood circles, lepas tu kalau dijemput mati, saya pasrah.

Saya tak sanggup mati sebab sakit.

magenta said...

Fauzan: Komen kau ni selalu buat aku sebak ah. Al-Fatihah gak for all those people. Betullah, aku rasa cam hidup pun dah banyak nyusahkan orang, kalau boleh lepas mati aku taknak nyusahkan orang sangat gak.

Anonymous: I can totally understand that. I also thought of how it's incredibly sad as a parent to watch your kid die before you.

Pisey: I'm a coward, kalau boleh aku tak nak meninggal sebab illness sebab it seemed like those who did suffered so much and for so long. But yeah, aku selalu perlukan closure.

Unknown said...

hi...dulu aku peminat blog ini..lama dah xbaca..anak pun dah 3..skali td b4 nak msuk kelas jumpe student aku gugel blk and still available..keep writing pls..aku msti kena katam blog ko balik..ok bye