Pagi ni, pada waktu 2am UK, aku digemparkan dengan berita bahawa Robin Williams meninggal. Like many others, I loved him for the way his movies made me cry, laugh and think. Kali terakhir aku tengok movie dia was last year- One Hour Photo, a very sad movie. Aku juga pernah jumpa dia masa melawat muzium sains dengan keluarga aku di San Francisco pada tahun 1996. Abang aku berani mengambil autograf (yang kemudiannya dia simpan dalam poket seluar dan lupa keluarkan sebelum mak aku buat laundry. Mengamuk dia!). Aku pula hanya usya Robin Williams dan kedua-dua anaknya pada masa itu sebab terlalu malu. He stared back at me. Itula kali pertama aku nampak a celebrity in real life. I was struck by how worn out and sad his face looked off-screen.
Pada akhir tahun 90-an, aku juga pernah digemparkan dengan berita yang Todd dari Suddenly Susan meninggal. Dia tak lah popular sangat, tapi masa tu aku selalu juga tengok show tu kat NTV7, dan dia watak kegemaran aku sebab he was the funny guy in that show. Kawan-kawan dia semua terkejut. Semua suratkhabar tulis pasal bagaimana dia beli ticket untuk ke konsert Fat Boy Slim dan tak sempat pergi. Untuk seminggu, aku main lagu Praise You. Sebagai remaja berumur 14 tahun, aku masih tak dapat paham macam mana orang kelakar dan banyak kawan boleh suicidal.
Sapa-sapa yang kenal aku mesti tau aku ada weakness pasal Jim Carrey. He was one of my first celebrity crushes. Carrey juga battle severe depression sampai sekarang, but who can blame him? Baca saja pasal hidupnya dari kecik sampai besar.
Unlike them, aku tak kelakar. Tapi sebahagian besar hidup aku, aku battle dengan severe depression yang was finally professionally diagnosed in 2008. As a result, I had to drop out out of a university at 22. Bukan something yang aku suka cakap pasal, tapi aku dah address atau mention in a few posts- About a Boy, Kawan yang Sadistik dan Salvation, one of the first entries I published. In fact, blog ni pun created in 2008 untuk aku cope dengan depression aku sebab aku tak suka luahkan perasaan aku in real life.
Salvation adalah surat yang aku tulis masa aku 23 tahun in 2008 kepada sebahagian daripada diri aku, bahagian yang sedih. Excerpts from Salvation:
I want to tell you that I know how it feels being
trapped, even if it’s only in your mind. I know how it feels to be
trapped in a prison, alone with your thoughts. A prison where you’re
afraid of being alone, but have no courage to go outside and face the
others. The feeling that you don’t have a choice, or maybe just the ones
you would want choose. It’s just that maybe you enjoy being alone, you
enjoy misery.
There’s a place we can go to if you can wean yourself from your sadness, a place where you can start over. A place you’ve never been before; where people accept you without questions and don’t bring up your past. A place where we take time off from the real world, from the world that moves too fast for us. A place where all the bad things that have happened to you are but a distant past. A place where the sun doesn’t burn but shine, a place where the water is pure, a place where the ground has never been trodden. A place just for people like us. A place to heal until when you’re ready to face the world again. And when that happens, you’ll realize,
Now I am truly free.
There’s a place we can go to if you can wean yourself from your sadness, a place where you can start over. A place you’ve never been before; where people accept you without questions and don’t bring up your past. A place where we take time off from the real world, from the world that moves too fast for us. A place where all the bad things that have happened to you are but a distant past. A place where the sun doesn’t burn but shine, a place where the water is pure, a place where the ground has never been trodden. A place just for people like us. A place to heal until when you’re ready to face the world again. And when that happens, you’ll realize,
Now I am truly free.
Photo source: The Academy
"Genie, you're free." Rest in peace, Robin Williams.
