Life after Marriage

On my last entry, I received a comment that goes like this (I’m posting it exactly as it was written):

“First criteria man sees in a woman is her character. The way her do stuffs. Examples the way she eats, the way she drinks, the way she walks. That's what really attracts man.”

I’m sure the person who commented this meant it in a good way, but let me explain to you why this sort of mentality will doom your future marriage. People will argue that the main reason a marriage doesn’t work out is money. I beg to differ. I think it’s because after marriage, they are disappointed to discover that their partner isn’t the person who they appeared to be.

If you’re young, have no or little experiences in relationships and have only Korean dramas or other romance films as references for your love life, you should read further. Take note, this applies to both sexes.

1. The Way Your Partner Eats/ Drinks

Before Marriage

Girls: Your partner will sit properly, he will try to eat with as much manners he can muster and he will refrain from burping and farting while he is eating. He will make as little noise as possible, and he will be conscious whether there is any food dripping from his mouth while he is eating. He will make sure he isn’t slurping down the drink. He will refrain from picking at the bits and pieces of meat stuck in his teeth after the meal. He will however excuse himself to go to the toilet and privately do this.

Guys: She will sit bersimpuh or bersila, and if you ask if she’d like a second helping, she’d politely refuse or say she will have so later. She eats quietly, and will refrain from making any noises except to talk. If she is eating with her hands, she will refrain from gnawing on the chicken bones even though she usually does so in private. She’d usually have a napkin nearby to wipe off anything that sticks to her lips. If she feels the need to burp or fart, she’d try to hold it down as long as she could or release it as quietly as she could and pretend nothing ever happened. If she feels as if something is stuck to her teeth, she will excuse herself to go to the toilet, remove the pieces from her teeth and reapply her lipgloss.

1 Year after Marriage:

Minus all that with the burping, farting, bone gnawing and tooth picking at the table.

2. The Way Your Partner Looks

Before Marriage

Girls: Before each date, he will make sure he has bathed and dressed decently. He will comb his hair nicely, apply hair gel and cologne. Hell, some guys even spend an hour on their hair before a date. He actually puts thought into what he’s wearing.

Guys: She always looks great and smells like flowers. Her makeup is always immaculately applied, her hair is always in place/ her tudung is always neatly pinned, her clothes tidy. She’ll excuse herself to go to the toilet from time to time to reapply her makeup, thus making you believe she wears no makeup at all because she looks great all the time.

1 Year after Marriage:

Girls: He’s too lazy to take baths and most often when he’s sweaty and stinky, he will flop on your made up bed and spread that stink to the whole bedroom. He never wears the cologne at home, only wearing it to go to work. He will wear the oldest and ugliest shirts at home, and huge underwear with holes. When you complain about it he will say those are the most comfortable underwear he owns. Sometimes he goes commando, leaving you to have the honour of doing the laundry and washing the pants of a grown up man with smelly stains. Don’t even talk about the hair. On weekends, you have to stare at that muka air liur basi until lunch because he’s not going to bathe until the afternoon.

Guys:

a) If your girl is a housewife:

She will NOT look like Bree Van De Kamp. You always seem to come home from work before she has time to bathe after menyiang ikan/mopping up the floor/changing your baby’s diaper, thus she will always end up smelling like a fish market/the toilet/your baby’s poo. Most often after doing all that she is too tired to take a bath but she does so anyway and after taking that bath, she will most likely be too tired to eat what she has cooked for you, and definitely too tired for any action in bed. She will always be clad in huge baju Kedah /T-Shirts and Kain Batik rolled up to the knees, or huge shorts that are comfortable to move around in. You can forget about the makeup. Those days of her wearing baby tees and tight jeans? Long gone.

b) If your girl is working:

She looks like shit when she wakes up, however will look and smell great before she goes to work. When she goes home, she will take off all that makeup and nice clothes she wore to go to work and wear her ‘comfy’ clothes. Read: comfy clothes= clothes that are ugly to look at but comfortable to wear. If you have a baby, she’ll start to smell of baby food and drool 10 minutes after holding the baby. You’ll start to wonder why she makes so much effort to look so great when she has to go out but makes no effort to even wear a perfume when she’s alone with you.

3. In The Bedroom

What You Imagined Before Marriage:

Girls: Everything will be as you have fantasized. You will make love, he will cuddle you afterwards until you fall asleep. Every morning you will wake up in his arms, and he will miraculously wake up the same time as you do. Then he will proceed to stare into your eyes and kiss you on the lips. And his breath will smell like roses. Your bedroom will smell like flowers. Birds will chirp.

Guys: You will have a great sex life. She will have a body of a pornstar and she will wear a sexy and different lingerie every night just for you. Your bed is huge.

1 Year After Marriage:

Girls: The cuddling is uncomfortable and he hates it. He snores. He farts in his sleep. He hogs the blanket. He hogs the bed. You have to refrain from puking everytime you smell his morning breath. He stinks so bad because he told you he was too tired to take a bath after work yesterday. Great. You need to install one of those air fresheners just to get rid of the smell of his sweat from your bedroom.

Guys: She’s always too tired. The work makes her tired. The household chores. The baby. She snores. She farts in her sleep. She has cellulite. She has stretch marks. She wants you to cuddle her constantly even though it’s extremely uncomfortable for you to sleep in that position. She kicks you in her sleep.