Friday, July 17, 2009

Rant, Sigh, Pull Hair, Sigh Again.

I'm angry, and I'm sad. But more sad than angry. I'm trying to delude myself into thinking that money will make me feel happier.

I don't know why people say money is the root of all evil. They probably have too much money. Money makes a crummy job seem less crummy, you'd stick it out even if the job and your colleagues suck. I hate it when rich kids complain about the emptiness. You'd feel the emptiness even if you were poor. Except that you'd be too worried about having something you eat that you'd forget that you had to feel sad over feeling empty. Don't be so greedy man. You can only have one of them, money or happiness. Some would say both are the same thing. Or one leads to the other.

It's easy for people to say I'm materialistic for writing about money, when in truth I'm someone who can't spend my own money without feeling guilty. I can't even accept a gift under rm50 from someone I've been dating for years without feeling bad cause I'm just too damn concerned about doing the right thing. Bodoh bodoh bodoh. Everything makes me feel guilty. Yet while feeling disgusted over women who leech off men like it's no big deal I can't help feeling a bit envious over their lack of conscience. I can't even type that last sentence without feeling immensely guilty.

In the end I know the sadness has nothing to do with money or lack of it but I can't help trying to delude myself into thinking that money can make the sadness go away. I need the hope that something can. Macamlah duit tu pintu Doraemon. Kalau ada duit, boleh beli makanan sedap-sedap, jadi happy. Boleh beli beauty products semua, jadi cantik, semuaaaa orang suka! Beli pakaian dan kasut lawa-lawa, nanti semua orang envy and puji-puji, teringin nak jadi me, weee. Apalah aku merepek. Sebab somehow you just never feel full, or feel pretty enough or have enough pretty things. I'll never know just how happy money will make me, cause I have no idea how much is enough, and I can never spend any amount without feeling guilty. Tapi aku spend jugakla.

Sigh. I just had to get it out of my system. I feel a bit better writing this crap. So uncharacteristic of my virtual character maybe, but who cares. I won't even delete this crap in the morning, because this entry and I, we don't have a one night stand kinda relationship. And no, I am not PMS-ing. Patutlah orang suka tulis these kind of ranting entries, it's fun rupanya. Man, I feel guilty sebab rasa fun. I hate controlling macho and having to be strong all the time. I'm a girl, I'm allowed to complain all the time, dammit! I'm tired of saying the 'right' thing all the time.

I'm allowed to sound crazy without being labelled as emo or crazy once in a while too. Memanglah tak cool bila tiba-tiba start blabbing and lose your cool. Tapi I know sometimes surely other people pun too secretly nak jugak just release all the ke-tak-puas-an sekali sekala kan? Tapi you can't. Cause you think people will be judging you (you're right, they do judge you). And over one night nanti akan runtuh satu imej yang you have been trying to build for years.
Mesti bosan kalau aku asyik mengeluh macamni. Nanti orang rasa kena pujuk pulak. I just want to be heard. Lagi best kalau lepastu pretend macam I never wrote this. Sekali sekala takpa kot. Ah, peduli apa. You can't help me.

Sigh. The road is bleak, and there always exists a hope that someone somewhere can miraculously change everything, maybe eliminate the vacuity in my heart cause no one in my life right now can. Ptuih. Drama gila ayat. And while I know that the person can only be me, I can't help but wish that it could be someone else, because I'm too tired to do it myself.


I'm sorry this entry is so depressing.(<--- my guilt made me type that.)