Wrong Prayer

Dah lama aku tak marah kat seseorang sebenarnya. I mean, aku selalu didatangi rasa menyampah. Dan mungkin aku benci sesetengah benda in general. Tapi, I can't remember bila kali terakhir aku fokus segala tenaga aku untuk membenci seorang individu. Just one.

But last night, I did just that. Someone made me angry, and it wasn't the first time. At that moment, I'm reminded of all the hurtful things that person has done to me in the past, and I was just consumed with hate. Terlalu consumed sampai aku tak dapat tidur sampai lepas Subuh. Dalam kemarahan tu, aku menangis, bukan sebab sedih, tapi sebab frustrated. Aku nangis sampai aku sesak nafas. 

Seeing this, my husband tried to console me and various ways. Dia tak berjaya, until:

Dia: Some day awak kena belajar supaya apa dia buat tak affect awak dah.

Aku: I'm not like you. Saya tak boleh just lupa the hurtful things and words people do and say. They just continue to build up over time. 

*Incomprehensibly, in between sobs, aku sambung membebel pasal bagaimana benda-benda yang menyakitkan hati aku merosakkan perspektif aku terhadap dunia dan manusia*

Dia: Kalau awak dianiaya, kan awak boleh doa kat Tuhan? Doa orang dianiayai kan makbul?

Aku: What kinda person would I be then? Doa benda-benda tak elok kat orang? 

(Sebenarnya masa remaja, aku selalu wish benda tak elok kat orang kalau mereka sakitkan hati aku. Dahla aku sadistik dulu, kalau benci gila, aku nak orang suffer, tak cukup mereka mati sahaja, aku nak mereka mati lepas prolonged suffering, macam melalui kanser atau AIDS. Tak pernahlah actively doa for those things, tapi terlintas di fikiran masa marah and wish. Lebih kurang macam tu lah. Until I lost a few loved ones to cancer, and I never wished that upon anyone ever again.)

Dia: You don't pray for bad things to happen to them. You pray that they will change.

In my anger, it had never crossed my mind that I needed to pray for the well-beings of those who had hurt me. That their well-beings would lead to my well-being too.