Thursday, December 18, 2014
Relationshits and the Thrill of the Chase
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It's not about me or my views about love and relationships, but it does contain some personal experiences here and there.
You know what's sad? I haven't been single for more than 4 months since I was fifteen years old. Fifteen years later, I'm still jumping from one relationship to another, searching for something yang aku tak sure exist ke tak. Do you know the term 'chasing the dragon'? The metaphorical meaning of that phrase is kau tengah cari a type of high yang kau sendiri pun tak sure exist ke tak, from a particular drug. Silly, isn't it? I keep telling myself, "Jangan mengejar naga, kerana naga tu tak wujud".
Love is that drug, my friend. Cinta adalah sumber infatuasiku yang elusif.
But I can't help it. I'm addicted to love and the feeling it gives me. I am in love with love, and the high it gives me. Sometimes the person who I'm love with takes the backseat, because I'm too busy chasing the thrill that love provides me.
The thrill of the chase. The beginning where everything is exciting. The mind games, the sexual tension. The point where I'm not sure you love me or not. Maybe I'm a masochist, I enjoy the torture. I enjoy waiting for every phone call, every reply, every smile. And I enjoy hoping even if they never came.
The thrill of the chase. Where we play mind games to appear more attractive to each other. You'll act like an asshole because you hear that's what girls like. I'll enjoy it because not so secretly, I'm a masochist. Kita kontrol je all the time. Kontrol macho, kontrol cool. Pretending we're not head over heels with each other walaupun dah gila bayang. We're always trying really hard to appear interesting to the other person, and it's emotionally draining, but we do it anyway. We're never ourselves.
And then you'll love me. We'll have the best few months, maybe even a year if you're interesting. I say this because I'm an obnoxious ass who thinks it's the responsibility of the people in my life to constantly entertain me. They're always the boring one, never me.
Then one day I'll wake up and I'll realize I hate the way you type. I hate the way you laugh in text messages, I hate the way you don't get my jokes and I hate that you love me back. I hate that now you're yourself. I hate that now we're together, I discover you're not an actually an asshole but a really nice, decent person. I hate that you're boring because you feel comfortable enough to be yourself and don't try to impress me anymore. The thrill of the chase is gone.
Then I meet someone else who was like you when we first met, and I find it again. Everything about this person is new and exciting. But I stay in our relationshit anyway for a while because of the guilt. The list of things you do to annoy me grows longer and longer. This new person makes you seem so bland and unexciting in comparison. I suddenly realize of all the ways you could not fulfill me. This makes me want the other person more.
Then I leave you, and start the thrill of the chase all over again. I can't help it. I don't know how to be alone, I say.
Author's note: Sometimes you need to take a step back and question yourself what or who it is that you're in love with. And it never pays to not be yourself at the beginning of a relationship.