Ini Akan Berlalu, dan Juga Engkau.

If you know me in real life, you will know that as depressive as I may seem sometimes, I hate being miserable. And I tend to run away from things or people who will make me even more so. Lari ke orang yang mampu membuat aku ketawa dan gembira, tak kiralah sementara.

"You’ve been busy eh?" asked 47.

"Not really. Why?"

"Nah, your latest post. I think somehow, cats are your default subject. When you have nothing else to talk about," he replied.

"Yeah. I don’t know why lately, ilham tak datang. I feel kinda disoriented and confused."

Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly why. But I guess I’m not ready to come to terms with my denial. I’ve never gave much thought to muses and ilham, at least till now. Because I think I’ve met something, or someone, that’s the opposite of a muse. What do you call this?

My thoughts are still flowing as freely as usual. I still have plenty to write about. Yet, this ‘thing’ is somehow stopping me from doing it. He makes me think he’s the pathetic one, the one being manipulated, yet in reality I’m the one. He makes me sleep at 5 a.m. and when I finally manage to sleep, he makes me dream in photographs. Yang membuatkan aku bangun pagi keliru dan pening. Aku tak suka rasa keliru. I hope to God you’re just a phase.

Bila aku tak suka, aku lari. Lari ke luar negeri. Atau luar negara. Aku lebih rela jadi miskin daripada sedih. Orang tuduh aku penakut yang suka lari dari masalah. Habistu apa yang aku patut buat?

Wait for it to get worse, wallow in self pity, lepastu welcome sympathy with open arms?

Orang tak ada maruah saja buat macamtu. Macam bini yang kena dera pastu tak nak tinggalkan suami. Sayang konon. Sampai bila kau nak hidup dalam denial?

Orang yang ketagih drama, ketagih simpati, ketagih kesedihan. Mengaku saja lah. Kamu tak mungkin ada keberanian atau kekuatan untuk meninggalkan semua itu.

Yesterday I went to the university. It reminds me a lot of UM. Aku pergi ke kafeterianya dan order Mee Wantan. Lepastu aku makan sorang-sorang. Semua orang pandang aku. For a young girl to eat alone in public here is like committing a crime here. Tapi, peduli apa aku?

Sebenarnya aku ada interview sebelum itu. The only thing I was thinking of during interview was, "Please, let me through so I don’t have to apply for a prolonged stay here every 3 months.."

Don’t tell me I sound old. Everytime you tell me I sound matured, aku pergi ke cermin dan cuba console diri aku dengan thoughts seperti , "I still look 18. Siapa kisah how old I sound? The important thing is how old I look."

I have a right to feel confused occasionally juga kan? I have a right to be the way I am? Walaupun I’m all wrong? I know I have this right. So why do I feel like I have to explain myself? Kenapa aku masih terasa? Why do I always feel a need to defend myself? Ini hak aku. Kamu tak pernah melalui apa yang aku lalui. How can you write about life if you’ve never lived alone? Hidup tanpa balik ke pangkuan ibu bapa tiap-tiap minggu, bulan atau tahun? How can you? Kamu ingat hidup berdikari itu hidup dengan teman-teman sebaya di hostel atau apartment di zaman universiti?

Aku boleh dengar dia kata,

"You really sound so young when you’re asking me these questions."

Screw you old man. Aku buat senarai.

2 paket muffins.
1 A&W rootbeer 1.5 ml.
1 kotak soyabean.
1 kotak air mango Delite.
2 paket Chachos Cheesy Cheese.
1 Pringles perisa Sour Cream and Onion.

Aku pikir lagi. Teringat zaman kanak-kanak. Teringat biskut ais jem dan ais krim 10 sen dalam tiub.

2 Twisties perisa kari.
1 paket Sumi jelly. (kalau ada)

Aku mahu Burger Ramly dan Big Mac. Tapi, mana ada jual benda-benda itu di sini? Aku beri senarai itu kepada dia dengan duit dan berkata, "Nah, buy me these things. You can keep the change."

Lepas dia balik, aku buka botol rootbeer dan simpan dalam peti sejuk (aku alergik dengan minuman berkarbonat). Malam ini, selepas semua gasnya sudah escape, aku akan minum. Aku simpan Sumi jelly dalam freezer. Lepas itu aku buka Pringles dan Chachos. Binge eating, it’s not for everyone. Only those blessed with a high metabolic rate.