Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Ini Akan Berlalu, dan Juga Engkau.

If you know me in real life, you will know that as depressive as I may seem sometimes, I hate being miserable. And I tend to run away from things or people who will make me even more so. Lari ke orang yang mampu membuat aku ketawa dan gembira, tak kiralah sementara.

"You’ve been busy eh?" asked 47.

"Not really. Why?"

"Nah, your latest post. I think somehow, cats are your default subject. When you have nothing else to talk about," he replied.

"Yeah. I don’t know why lately, ilham tak datang. I feel kinda disoriented and confused."

Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly why. But I guess I’m not ready to come to terms with my denial. I’ve never gave much thought to muses and ilham, at least till now. Because I think I’ve met something, or someone, that’s the opposite of a muse. What do you call this?

My thoughts are still flowing as freely as usual. I still have plenty to write about. Yet, this ‘thing’ is somehow stopping me from doing it. He makes me think he’s the pathetic one, the one being manipulated, yet in reality I’m the one. He makes me sleep at 5 a.m. and when I finally manage to sleep, he makes me dream in photographs. Yang membuatkan aku bangun pagi keliru dan pening. Aku tak suka rasa keliru. I hope to God you’re just a phase.

Bila aku tak suka, aku lari.
Lari ke luar negeri. Atau luar negara. Aku lebih rela jadi miskin daripada sedih. Orang tuduh aku penakut yang suka lari dari masalah. Habistu apa yang aku patut buat?

Wait for it to get worse, wallow in self pity, lepastu welcome sympathy with open arms?

Orang tak ada maruah saja buat macamtu. Macam bini yang kena dera pastu tak nak tinggalkan suami. Sayang konon. Sampai bila kau nak hidup dalam denial?

Orang yang ketagih drama, ketagih simpati, ketagih kesedihan. Mengaku saja lah. Kamu tak mungkin ada keberanian atau kekuatan untuk meninggalkan semua itu.

Yesterday I went to the university. It reminds me a lot of UM. Aku pergi ke kafeterianya dan order Mee Wantan. Lepastu aku makan sorang-sorang. Semua orang pandang aku. For a young girl to eat alone in public here is like committing a crime here. Tapi, peduli apa aku?

Sebenarnya aku ada interview sebelum itu. The only thing I was thinking of during interview was, "Please, let me through so I don’t have to apply for a prolonged stay here every 3 months.."

Don’t tell me I sound old. Everytime you tell me I sound matured, aku pergi ke cermin dan cuba console diri aku dengan thoughts seperti , "I still look 18. Siapa kisah how old I sound? The important thing is how old I look."

I have a right to feel confused occasionally juga kan? I have a right to be the way I am? Walaupun I’m all wrong? I know I have this right. So why do I feel like I have to explain myself? Kenapa aku masih terasa? Why do I always feel a need to defend myself? Ini hak aku. Kamu tak pernah melalui apa yang aku lalui. How can you write about life if you’ve never lived alone? Hidup tanpa balik ke pangkuan ibu bapa tiap-tiap minggu, bulan atau tahun? How can you? Kamu ingat hidup berdikari itu hidup dengan teman-teman sebaya di hostel atau apartment di zaman universiti?

Aku boleh dengar dia kata,

"You really sound so young when you’re asking me these questions."

Screw you old man. Aku buat senarai.

2 paket muffins.
1 A&W rootbeer 1.5 ml.
1 kotak soyabean.
1 kotak air mango Delite.
2 paket Chachos Cheesy Cheese.
1 Pringles perisa Sour Cream and Onion.

Aku pikir lagi. Teringat zaman kanak-kanak. Teringat biskut ais jem dan ais krim 10 sen dalam tiub.

2 Twisties perisa kari.

1 paket Sumi jelly. (kalau ada)

Aku mahu Burger Ramly dan Big Mac. Tapi, mana ada jual benda-benda itu di sini?
Aku beri senarai itu kepada dia dengan duit dan berkata, "Nah, buy me these things. You can keep the change."

Lepas dia balik, aku buka botol rootbeer dan simpan dalam peti sejuk (aku alergik dengan minuman berkarbonat). Malam ini, selepas semua gasnya sudah escape, aku akan minum. Aku simpan Sumi jelly dalam freezer. Lepas itu aku buka Pringles dan Chachos. Binge eating, it’s not for everyone. Only those blessed with a high metabolic rate.


Bovril Lavigne said...

Wanted to ask you how the interview went.

Siapa sangka kat sana pun susah nak cari burger Ramly. Come to think of it, when I was there, I didn't exactly see a McD anywhere, which is odd, since McD di sini ada 3 setiap 15km radius.

It's more likely they were staring at you because they haven't seen you around before. Anyway, if this is the Uni I'm thinking about, they're probably wndering why you don't dress as weirdly as they do..haha.

Whoever HE is, he sounds like an idiot. Please get me a bottle/baby food warmer with a circuit breaker.

a Loner said...

"Kamu ingat hidup berdikari itu hidup dengan teman-teman sebaya di hostel atau apartment di zaman universiti?"

Haha.. dia orang best duduk hostel. Teringat masa tinggal di seberang laut, sewa rumah Paki.. 3 bilik, sorang-sorang... masak, makan, blajar, pergi safeways,naik basikal pagi2, angin sejuk.. pergi u...

Tak macam hostel langsung...hmmm amazingly saya survive....bertahun2

Molotov said...

ada masalah dengan bf ke..?i baca post sblm ni dengan yang ini macam ada masalah dgn lelaki je.just giving my 2 cent..

magenta said...

bovril: OK will do. Damn I miss fast food. Lagi-lagi burger Ramly double cheese, double daging yang panas.

a Loner: Good for you. Rumah Paki tu apa ye?

molotov: Mana ada. Tak mungkin aku akan menjalinkan hubungan dengan orang yang membuatkan aku rasa sedih atau keliru.

erm said...

rumah org pakistan kat uk maybe?
because thats is bang for buck for us student

nak big mac?hahaha jap
two beef patties,special sauce,lettuce,cheese,pickle,onion,on a sesame seed bun

nah amik free!

a Loner said...

Rumah Paki..tu rumah2 yang di beli oleh org Pakistan untuk di sewakan kepada penuntut2.

Pakis = kependekan untuk orang Pakistan ..digunakan secara deragotary agaknya...

zureen said...

root beer sedap with or without the gas. yum.

u're blessed with a high metabolic rate? *green with envy*

lucky girl!

cheer up :)

ledisordre said...

glad im one of them.

di manakah anda, btw?

nurulazreenazlan said...

The opposite of muse is musibat, sorry, kan dah terkeluar vocab Melaka saya.

What a coincidence! I just downed a glass of A&W Rootbeer. Semalam beli 1 pitcher, konon untuk family la, sudahnya saya sorang je yang minum dari semalam sampai hari ni. Er, rasanya saya dah beritahu mereka ada air sedap tu dalam fridge.

Dulu kat Uni saya ada jugak buat perangai makan sorang-sorang tu, senang nak baca suratkhabar. Social suicide la kot, tapi being an architectural student, being weird seemed to be our prerogative. Bukannya kawan pun dengan budak-budak course lain, so screw them lah.

Seronok kan jadi orang yang mempunyai high metabolism rate? It's proving very useful for me now *wink* (Sabtu lepas saya makan 2 mangkuk besar kuey teow tomyam one after the other kat gerai dekat rumah kawan saya. Mamat amik order tu siap sengih-sengih lagi. Lantak la, bukan saya tak bayar.)

Anyhoo, I detect a note of jiwa kacau in your blog, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll come thru just fine =)

47 said...

Pada zaman dulu, ada seorang tua di Jepun yang berkongsi pelbagai pendapat hasil pengalaman hidupnya dengan seorang pemuda.

Antara yang dikatakannya kepada si pemuda adalah:

"It is unthinkable to be disturbed at something like being beaten times down, eight times up!"

And I agree with Nurul, I'm sure you'll get thru just fine.

Take care!

Lady in pink said...

You said it is only a phase...he will be gone before you know it.

He may make you confused...he make make your heart beat faster... hmmm seems like love..isn't it.

But Im sure there must be chemistry for you to feel the morning and disoriented.

Only guys who affect you emotionally will have that dizzying effect, as most girls can tell you.

I envy your chemical romance as it is not often you meet someone who can induce weak knees in the opposite sex...

Just enjoy the attention as I have found these electrifying guys have a short attention span...take it from someone with experience....

magenta said...

erm: Ah, imaginary burger. Terima kasih. Tu bunyi macam Big Mac chant je yang dekat YouTube je.

a Loner: Hahaha kependekan is not shortform in BM.

zureen: Kan? I love rootbeer.

Hehe well yeah, but I'm not exactly a fan of the skinny - am not exactly a fan of Gisele Bundchen's or Kate Moss's body. Thanks, will cheer up soon. :)

ledisordre: Do you binge as well? Hehe. Tak terlalu jauh dari Malaysia.

nurul: Musibat. Thanks!

Yay, another A&W rootbeer lover. I don't why people would choose Coke over rootbeer. Rootbeer is the greatest carbonated drink in the world!

Haha yeah, I guess I'm not trapped in that high school mentality anymore where I can't stand doing anything alone sebab nanti orang akan cakap-cakap.

Haha I'm starting to enjoy it. When I was in my teens I hated that I couldn't seem to gain weight tapi now that I'm not so skinny anymore and seem to be at a stable weight, I'm very grateful. And thanks. These phases, they'll come and go.

47: Thanks for the motivation. You take care too ok.

lady in pink: Hahaha you're assumption is pretty far off. I was n't writing about love. Err, thanks for your advice in guys anyway.

iqanabeera. said...

close friends always tell me that i'm always feeling miserable, and i keep running to those who make me feel so.

the thing is, at least for me, the people who make me miserable are always the ones who make me extremely happy too.

whatever the phase you're going through, hope you'll cheer up soon.

NeEM™ of Suicide Park said...

I kinda like this entry. No, really like.

Coz it's as if i'm reading my own writing, my own thoughts.

Heart u, magenta.

Hope u feel better now.

zureen said...

ada beberapa quotes from movies yg (i think) are related to this entry:

From Ghost Rider (2007) :

"My dad was right. You were just a phase."

Roxanne Simpson (played by Eva Mendes).

From Cinta (2006)

"Kadang-kadang, orang yang paling kita sayang itulah orang yang paling susah kita nak sayang."

Fatimah Abu Bakar.

Romanza K said...

hmm...nampaknya kita manusia ni serupa...dalam merasai perasaan konfusi..

Konfusi yang disebabkan oleh cecair dan kesan kimia dalam otak insan-insani perempuan dan lelaki.

Antara naluri untuk fight atau flight. Antara naluri untuk melawan atau menyerah...

Bukankah kita diberi akal untuk memilih? Tapi bagaimana hendak memilih dengan tepat bila sistem saraf mula firing akibat begitu banyak maklumat dan sensasi yang diterima?

Tentunya konfusi2 ini konfusi yang selalunya menyeronokkan..kesan dari endorphin yang dikeluarkan bila mendengar suara yang kita kenali begitu intimate sekali...

Lebih adiktif lagi bila ia menjanjikan bahaya atau keghairahan... mmm adakah ini yg dikatakan romanza kimia?

siti payung said...

Hey Neem, Zureen...count me in too.

Guys seems so confusing kan...

Can't live with them and cannot live without them...hahaha

miab0011 said...

i am not alone but i feel lonely. loneliness sucks.

magenta said...

iqa: Happiness is a paradox, kan? Thanks. :)

neem: Heart you too, neem. Whatever it is we might be going through, hopefully it's just a phase.

zureen: Hehe thanks for the quotes dear. But I'm not having that kind of a phase. :P

Eva Mendes is so hot though.

romanza k: Keghairahan?? Good God, what did you think I was writing about? Hahaha.

siti payung: Err, I don't think Neem was referring to guys. I know I wasn't. But well, guys are confusing. So are girls, I guess.

miab0011: Wait 3 years, I'll come back.

Anonymous said...

rasanya phase yang dibicarakan sudah berlalu..ada permulaan..dan rasanya begitu lama hampir sebulan fasa ini berlarutan. kini sudah sampai ke penghujung... kalau ada sumur diladang..etc..hehehe